SNAKES ON A PLANE- THE ADULT VERSION
Spoiler Alert – In this version the snakes are a bit friendlier (a bit too friendly), less venomous (at least we hope so) and you can expect some spitting cobras.
We are talking about the super exclusive Mile-High Club, getting laid at altitude!
There’s something seductive about being on a plane, maybe it’s the recycled air or the complimentary peanuts, but it turns average humans into randy sex monsters. However, unless you’re flying in your private jet with a plush cabin, then actually there’s nothing sexy about joining the magical Mile-High Club. It’s literally a case of getting in and out as fast as possible!
Now, we aren’t saying don’t do it. What else are you going do with a plane boner? It’s bloody inconvenient and you won’t be able to put your tray table down properly. It’s a health and safety hazard!
The key to blowing your load at 30,000 ft is not getting caught. How are you going to explain to your mum that you’re banned from Jetstar for life? Another risk is that your frisky antics will go viral- check out this awkward encounter.
You’ll be glad to know that speed is of the essence. The only performance lasting longer than 3 minutes on this flight should be the safety demonstration.
So how do you join the Mile-High Club without getting injured/arrested or downright embarrassed? If you’re genuinely thinking about it, you realistically have 2 options:
Wham bam bathroom mam
A filthy, cramped public toilet is a super sexy and romantic setting, said no-one…ever! However it’s the only place that you’re going to get a bit of privacy and the fold down baby changers offer decent butt support.
With only a few toilets on board though, you’re going to have to get started in your seat and once you’re either standing to attention or sufficiently slippery, go join your partner in crime in the loo. Be fast, quiet, discreet and ideally do it when most people onboard are sleeping.
Remember as you walk down the plane to the loo that your raging pork sword is at the same height as people’s heads, so we strongly recommend you ensure that there are absolutely no small children awake and running down the isles. We also suggest that you take EXTREME caution when awkwardly shuffling out of your seat if you have others sitting next to you. Not many passengers will appreciate you accidentally grazing your throbbing member or juicy digits across their sleeping faces.
I don’t care how flexible or ambitious you are – a threesome will almost also certainly result in severe injury or possibly death!
Making a love tent
For a little snake petting action, just cover the important area with a blanket and get on with the job in hand.
Be careful where you ‘finish’ though. A dried, crispy blanket stuck to you as you leave the plane might raise a few questions. Also- unplug your headphones; it’s easy to forget quite how loud you are being!
Now, if you’re a complete animal and can’t contain your in-flight urges, then I have it on good authority that the following might assist with taming your beast.
• Pour a cup of iced water on it. Being known Mr Pee Pants in better than Mr Wanky Plane Man
• ‘Pinch and squeeze’ – although if you’re doing this you might as well just jerk off!
And there you have it! Things will go one of two ways, you’ll soon be in the Mile-High Club or on the front page of your local paper…good luck, be safe and have fun!
Written by Kim Wilson
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