With yet another festival season upon us, it comes down to us to ask ourselves those questions that only really, honestly, get asked once a year. “How many wet wipes will I need for 3 days to stay passably clean?”, “Does this unicorn onesie make me more or less likely to get laid?”
These are the kinds of questions that sexually-active twenty-something year olds have been asking themselves since the invention of wet wipes and since unicorn onesies at music festivals became a thing. Why? Because boys and girls, when you stick a load of fun-loving party people in a field, introduce copious amounts of booze and let nature take its course: you’ll find that people will get hornier than…well…a sexually-active twenty-something-year-old at a music festival. But what’s all the fuss about? Is bumping uglies in a hot sweaty tent with the sounds of Dubfire setting the tempo to your blind, frenzied thrusting all that it’s cracked up to be? Or are those of you who decide to keep it in your pants until you’re freshly showered and wined and dined, missing out on something orgasm-inducingly mind-blowing? Well, there’s only one way to find out…but if you’d rather not bang a stranger in a field in the name of curiosity, read our article instead!
It’s sex. Come on guys. It’s like pizza. When it’s good it’s great and when it’s bad it’s still not the worst thing you could be doing. Another human being has made the decision, however poor, to pick you as the one they want to go back to a smelly, sweaty tent to do the no pants dance with. Under different circumstances, you might’ve been strung out to dry with a painfully read but ignored Tinder message, so if the person you want to hook up with wants to hook up with you – that’s a good thing! Not to mention the confidence boost you’ll get from realising that someone still wants to get frisky with you despite the frankly squalid conditions the love-making in question is bound to take place in.
Last and definitely least crass, is the fact that if after a rigorous, sweaty session of sub-par festival sex, you and your chosen partner actually want to see each other again – you could have found yourself a soul mate. We’ve all heard of nightclub encounters that end in marriage, whose to say that your tent-bound romp won’t end the same way?
Let’s be honest, whichever way you look at it, unless you’re sticking to a militant regime of morning, noon and evening wet wipe baths, and let’s face it you filthy little things, none of you are – festival sex is going to be pretty nasty. Everyone’s different – but the smells coming from unwashed orifices that have been exposed to apocalyptic festival toilet facilities are likely to be off-putting to put it mildly. When the smell of ripe genitals and untended-to skid wipes is assaulting your nostrils in the already smelly tent with zero ventilation, it’s only a matter of time until someone realises the unremarkable sex isn’t worth it and makes a break for it. Staying true to this line of necessary albeit brutal honesty, people who have sex at festivals with strangers can be fairly assumed to lead more promiscuous lives than your average guy or gal. This isn’t a bad thing in the slightest, but if you’re not careful, you could leave the festival with more than just a comedown. No-one wants an STI, they’ve got an annoying habit of affecting your sex-life, so if you’re a raunchy festival sex fiend it stands to reason that you don’t like the sound of that, so wrap it up!
Given the usually lack of time, space, hygiene and sobriety – you can sometimes find that festival sex is also simply just a bit shit. Nothing more and nothing less. Now, we’re not denying that there are some seasoned pros out there who’ll have prospective partners cumming in minutes and spending their week desperately trawling Facebook in an attempt to track down their mystery modern-day Romeo or Juliet. But for the most part, the average festival bang will involve a tiny, cramped tent, ruling out most scenarios of acrobatic-pleasure-giving. This, combined with no real knowledge of your partners’ intimate needs, and boy, do they matter, plus a healthy dose of booze and any other naughty concoctions you’ve managed to get your hands on – basically leads to a lot of fruitless fumbling around in the dark followed by a hasty, awkward retreat to stages at opposite ends of the festival.
So you raunchy readers, we’ll leave it up to you and your sexual prowess to decide whether sex at a music festival is a great or terrible idea. Prepare to be amazed or disappointed in equal measure but don’t forget to be safe and have fun while you’re at it!
Written by Nicolas Gordon